Many people don’t realize this, but America is actually a monarchy and all this Trump business is just a meaningless sideshow. Oprah is the Queen of America.

If you’re asking yourself “Then why is she letting all this nonsense happen” first of all, shut up, but second of all it’s because, like God, Oprah’s ways are mysterious and often incomprehensible to our low-level minds.

She’s in the future and we’re still in 2000-and-late, and always will be, because we’re trapped in another astral plane until our brains evolve to the level of Oprah’s, which they never will, on account of not being Oprah.

It’s just, like, science.

Make sense?

No? You’re still doubting her powers? Okay well A of all shut up again, but 2 of all here she is, in pajamas, and full hair and makeup, handing out tequila shots on a cruise ship while doing a full extemporaneous gospel vocal belt:

So now you feel slain by the power of her resplendence and your argument is invalid.

Yes it is and yes you do.

So now that we’ve gotten that cleared up, this transformative moment took place during Oprah’s Girls’ Getaway Cruise, which is basically Oprah’s equivalent of Scientology’s Sea Org, pretty sure, and I’d like to know where to sign my billion-year contract please!

It’s a 3-day cruise from Fort Lauderdale to the Bahamas that began January 30th, and also included a night where Oprah shared the most transcendent secrets of the Universe.

So what were you doing on January 30th while Oprah was imparting the wisdom of the ages on a giant boat? Oh, staining all your upholstery with Chee-to dust while binge-watching Fuller House during the Polar Vortex? Yeah that’s what I thought.

Anyway, on the internet people–not simpletons like you of course, but people whose brains can handle the wonder–were frankly bowled over by the magical combo of Oprah and tequila, as they ought!

So that’s it, all vacations except Oprah cruises are canceled until further notice forever! Don’t forget to pack your pajamas!





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